Title?

I can't think of a title for this one. If anyone has a suggestion let me know.

I have been struggling for years. Ups and downs. A roller coaster for my spirit. I didn't know why. Really. More and more I centered on me. What I mean by that is, I thought it was, maybe, something beyond my control, like a chemical imbalance or how someone else was treating me. I centered on the martyr mentality. Woe is me. I am so low. So I addressed that as the issue. I prayed about this apparent oppression I was under and it just got worse.

I have had ups as well. My understanding of how GOD wants to and does work in our lives has deepened. But it was hard to hold on to the joy I felt with the growing understanding. I keep having breakthrough times, and then the feelings wain and I slip back into this joyless existence.
Not many know this but my marriage has been on the brink for the past 6 months. I have blamed him for all of it. Even to the most recent counseling visit it was still all his fault.

I used to have this awesome relationship with GOD. I was always in constant conversation with HIM. I lived in absolute joy all the time. It was great. Then something changed. It was actually a slow progression to this state, but I let my joy slip away.

I blamed myself for not keeping my spirit in the right place, but didn't have any way of recovery. I tried repeatedly to get back to prayer all the time. I thought baby steps. Just pray every time I think about it. That didn't go very far. I used to sing all the time. Now even if I have had a breakthrough moment with my FATHER, I can barely open my mouth and get any sound out. Sometimes I make myself at least hum or whistle and try to work up to a song. It has been miserable. And my spirit has been completely fruitless.

I have been wanting to do this Bible study on the book of Acts. I read and it seems like dead words. I am confused and I can't get it to make sense to my spirit. Like I said, "Dead words." I know that the Word is living, but I just haven't been able to make it liven up to me.

Yesterday, at church, the pastor went through how to share your testimony. "It is your story," he said, "no one can deny that you had something change you. They may be able to get you nervous when it comes to your Biblical knowledge, but they can't deny the truth of your story."
There was an insert in the bulletin that he had us use to get our story organized. It got me thinking about where I was and where I am now. What did I believe back then that made things so easy?

Then after service, as I waited for my husband, a young woman rushed passed me crying. I felt the need to address her so I gave her a minute and then approached her. We started talking and I got to know her a bit.

At home I was working on the dishes and I turned on a teaching by Jerry Savelle called "If Satan Can't Steal Your Joy then He Can't Keep Your Goods." The kids were napping and DH was working outside so I was able to just listen without interruption.

I know I have said things like this before and we hear others say it often, but What an Awesome GOD we serve. Amazing, understanding, crafty (in a good way). The events of the day were in preparation for me to hear this teaching. It was eye opening to my spirit. I let satan steal my joy. I have made a habit of letting him steal my joy so that I don't even feel like I ever had any.

How does satan steal your joy? One big one for me is that he takes the power of the word from you. He deadens the Word in your heart. He does this by deception. He may use tactics like telling you that you misunderstood the scripture you just read. Or he may even use other Christians to tell you that you are going to extremes and that the Bible doesn't mean what you thought it meant.

I have been living joylessly and accepting the lack of joy in my life and I have been addressing the solution very selfishly. I believed that there was no way, except for a time of healing, that my husband and I could be happy like we used to be. I believed that being sick during my pregnancy was just a part of the deal. I even started dwelling on my childhood disappointments and blaming them for my lack of ability to have any friends.

All of these things are in the Word, but even though I have been in the Word my whole life I could not remember any of what I needed when I needed it. I allowed myself to believe that I had no idea what GOD said or who HE is. I let satan take the Word and the power of the Word away from my spirit.

Understanding is so awesome. I love when GOD moves me to the place of understanding. Just knowing what has happened to my spirit, and why I have been so disconnected from my FATHER was a comfort and a great awakening.

But I didn't stop there. I laughed at satan today. I learned that he thinks he has defeated me and GOD says that is funny 'cause his day is coming. No matter what happens to me today I am not the one slated for destruction. He is. That was funny. Also, I proclaimed to him that I am not defeated and he was just going to have to leave me alone. I said that I hope he was squirming because of what he was hearing me learn. 'Cause, dude, I was getting it and now I am a new threat to him.

I picked up the book of Acts today and couldn't put it down. It was alive to me again.
Praise JEHOVAH GOD. And Amen.