I was pretty "Stinky"
I have been going through a pretty specific journey. My mentor and I are focusing on my fear. We have asked GOD to reveal to me where I have been fearful. I have just been amazed at how opening myself up for such a specific request has really focused my time with HIM.
Recently I was talking to a friend and I said, "See, you are so much smarter than me." She replied with, "Why do you say things like that?"
I started thinking about that. Why do I say things like that?
Without trying to get a pity party I will to explain. Most of my life I have felt like an outcast. My dad's family didn't like me because I liked my step-father. Kids at church and school treated me badly. Adults at school and church did as well. Then there was my dad. He would call us stupid and embarrass us in front of strangers and call us too trusting. Then I got married. How does the man you fall in love with turn into the worst in your father?
Now, my DH and I have completed counseling and he is a changed man. We continue on the journey to a healthy marriage. But there were 9 years of a very unhealthy relationship.
So why do I say things like the comment I made to my friend. It is out of fear. I wrongly believe that if I put myself down she will feel good and want to be around me. How twisted is that? I also fear that if I don't acknowledge to her that I see my shortcomings then she will think that I am too proud and then she wont like me.
GOD reminded me of the story of Stanley the Stinkbug by Max Lucado. Stanley would let out a stink when he was afraid and he got afraid that others wouldn't like him because he stank. It was a vicious cycle.
I automatically enter a room thinking that I don't belong, that attitude shows in my demeanor and then people shy away from me because of my attitude. I am pretty stinky. I say things just trying to fit in but when I talk I fear that no one will take me seriously and then I can't talk straight.
GOD has been showing me how deep this fear is. One morning as I was getting ready for the day I was thinking about the people I needed to call and also about a situation I needed to go over with my DH. GOD had me stop and look at how I was thinking this over. I was assuming that in each situation I would have to prove my worth. I was fearing that I couldn't just converse. I feared my abilities to preform in the tasks that lay ahead. HE said that I was starting my day assuming that fear was the foundation for each encounter with anyone at all. Wow.
I love this revelation part of the process. Now on to how to counter my deep seeded personality of fear.
Recently I was talking to a friend and I said, "See, you are so much smarter than me." She replied with, "Why do you say things like that?"
I started thinking about that. Why do I say things like that?
Without trying to get a pity party I will to explain. Most of my life I have felt like an outcast. My dad's family didn't like me because I liked my step-father. Kids at church and school treated me badly. Adults at school and church did as well. Then there was my dad. He would call us stupid and embarrass us in front of strangers and call us too trusting. Then I got married. How does the man you fall in love with turn into the worst in your father?
Now, my DH and I have completed counseling and he is a changed man. We continue on the journey to a healthy marriage. But there were 9 years of a very unhealthy relationship.
So why do I say things like the comment I made to my friend. It is out of fear. I wrongly believe that if I put myself down she will feel good and want to be around me. How twisted is that? I also fear that if I don't acknowledge to her that I see my shortcomings then she will think that I am too proud and then she wont like me.
GOD reminded me of the story of Stanley the Stinkbug by Max Lucado. Stanley would let out a stink when he was afraid and he got afraid that others wouldn't like him because he stank. It was a vicious cycle.
I automatically enter a room thinking that I don't belong, that attitude shows in my demeanor and then people shy away from me because of my attitude. I am pretty stinky. I say things just trying to fit in but when I talk I fear that no one will take me seriously and then I can't talk straight.
GOD has been showing me how deep this fear is. One morning as I was getting ready for the day I was thinking about the people I needed to call and also about a situation I needed to go over with my DH. GOD had me stop and look at how I was thinking this over. I was assuming that in each situation I would have to prove my worth. I was fearing that I couldn't just converse. I feared my abilities to preform in the tasks that lay ahead. HE said that I was starting my day assuming that fear was the foundation for each encounter with anyone at all. Wow.
I love this revelation part of the process. Now on to how to counter my deep seeded personality of fear.
Comments
I am glad to see God is doing a work and that your confidence is gaining.
You are beautiful. You are loved.