In the Wilderness
I have spent some time in the wilderness. I fully know that GOD is the Creator and that HE is Sovereign, but I deliberately chose to ignore HIM. It was like I said, "I see YOU over there. I just don't want to come over."
Oh, there were times I felt guilty about my rebellion. I would collapse on my knees and weep for HIS forgiveness. I would tell HIM I didn't want to be separated from HIM. I would "repent." But as soon as I was tempted I jumped right back in. I stopped desiring HIM overall. My whole life has been turned upside down. I have left my first love.
Lately I have been running ragged. I have been filling up my time with so much, that I don't have time for the things I once loved. Some of those things are still a part of my life but they have become tasks that I dread or do begrudgingly.
I have also lost self-control. I do things that I don't want to do almost instinctively. There seems to be no satisfaction when I do them, but I just can't seem to control myself.
This last point is the eye opener for me. To loose self-control is to loose the fruit of the spirit. This is evidence that I am living a spiritless life.
Thanking about that now I realize how much that has affected every part of my life. I hide in bed in the morning. That was established as my time with GOD. I cannot get things done. I am hopelessly unfocused. I am easily distracted. I spend hours on things that have no purpose. I binge eat. I don't exercise. I don't even feel guilty anymore.
Sometimes I hear, "This is wrong you shouldn't be doing this."
I respond with, "Oh, well."
Yet in all this GOD is still LORD JEHOVAH, KING of kings, Creator. HE has remained faithful TO ME!!! As wretched as I am HE has protected me from harm, HE has random people praying for me. They have told me they don't know why but they have felt they needed to pray for me. HE has taught me things, and HE has used me to minister to others. Although it has been in a very small capacity. At one point when I was feeling particularly dead HE said to me, "I still have something for you to do." HE still has plans for me HE still needs me in HIS will.
The wilderness I have been dwelling in is not some vast empty desert. It is a slimy junk yard. I have allowed myself to get lost deeper and deeper in the pile of waste. (Did you ever see the movie "The Labyrinth?" near the end there is a whole scene with the junk yard and a women who was so covered over that she looked like one of the piles of junk)
This morning for some reason I heard HIS sweet call. My heart almost lept at the sound. But it is hard for a dead heart to do much more than that. When I breath in I can tell there is some life giving air coming in. I feel a small amount of focus coming through. I can kind of experience the morning like I used to. I hear the birds and there is a faint response in my heart. Like a person in a coma flickers in recognition.
Like the Israelites in the wilderness I haven't just walked away as far as I can get from GOD, I am wondering around just outside the promised land. If I wait out here too much longer I will become like a rat scurrying from the light and goodness of my GOD and Savior.
What am I to do? How do I get back? HE just said that I am to come to HIM and it will all work out. No amount of effort on my part will do it. I can't but HE can.
HE brought them out of the wilderness into the promised land. HE told them to do all those crazy things, like walk around the city of Jericho and the walls would fall down. HE is telling me that all I have to "Do" is obey and HE will lead the way.
Oh, there were times I felt guilty about my rebellion. I would collapse on my knees and weep for HIS forgiveness. I would tell HIM I didn't want to be separated from HIM. I would "repent." But as soon as I was tempted I jumped right back in. I stopped desiring HIM overall. My whole life has been turned upside down. I have left my first love.
Lately I have been running ragged. I have been filling up my time with so much, that I don't have time for the things I once loved. Some of those things are still a part of my life but they have become tasks that I dread or do begrudgingly.
I have also lost self-control. I do things that I don't want to do almost instinctively. There seems to be no satisfaction when I do them, but I just can't seem to control myself.
This last point is the eye opener for me. To loose self-control is to loose the fruit of the spirit. This is evidence that I am living a spiritless life.
Thanking about that now I realize how much that has affected every part of my life. I hide in bed in the morning. That was established as my time with GOD. I cannot get things done. I am hopelessly unfocused. I am easily distracted. I spend hours on things that have no purpose. I binge eat. I don't exercise. I don't even feel guilty anymore.
Sometimes I hear, "This is wrong you shouldn't be doing this."
I respond with, "Oh, well."
Yet in all this GOD is still LORD JEHOVAH, KING of kings, Creator. HE has remained faithful TO ME!!! As wretched as I am HE has protected me from harm, HE has random people praying for me. They have told me they don't know why but they have felt they needed to pray for me. HE has taught me things, and HE has used me to minister to others. Although it has been in a very small capacity. At one point when I was feeling particularly dead HE said to me, "I still have something for you to do." HE still has plans for me HE still needs me in HIS will.
The wilderness I have been dwelling in is not some vast empty desert. It is a slimy junk yard. I have allowed myself to get lost deeper and deeper in the pile of waste. (Did you ever see the movie "The Labyrinth?" near the end there is a whole scene with the junk yard and a women who was so covered over that she looked like one of the piles of junk)
This morning for some reason I heard HIS sweet call. My heart almost lept at the sound. But it is hard for a dead heart to do much more than that. When I breath in I can tell there is some life giving air coming in. I feel a small amount of focus coming through. I can kind of experience the morning like I used to. I hear the birds and there is a faint response in my heart. Like a person in a coma flickers in recognition.
Like the Israelites in the wilderness I haven't just walked away as far as I can get from GOD, I am wondering around just outside the promised land. If I wait out here too much longer I will become like a rat scurrying from the light and goodness of my GOD and Savior.
What am I to do? How do I get back? HE just said that I am to come to HIM and it will all work out. No amount of effort on my part will do it. I can't but HE can.
HE brought them out of the wilderness into the promised land. HE told them to do all those crazy things, like walk around the city of Jericho and the walls would fall down. HE is telling me that all I have to "Do" is obey and HE will lead the way.
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